Dear Fan of Count Olaf,
I’m sorry to say that the book you are holding in your hands is extremely boring. If you are looking for entertainment, you would have a much better time watching a movie starring a handsome count.
My major motion picture, for example, starring me, features a mansion burnt to a crisp, a deadly serpent, an impressive sailor with a manly eye patch, and three sad orphans lucky enough to meet a dashing count. True, this book has all the same details, but there are so many words in it, you’ll be bored to tears.
Take my advice: put this thing down at once and rush to your local cinema to marvel at my ground-breaking performance in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Of course you may have my autograph.