Series of unfortunate events: bad beginning; reptile room; wide window. Lemony Snicket. 2004.

Dear Fan of Count Olaf,

I’m sorry to say that the book you are holding in your hands is extremely boring. If you are looking for entertainment, you would have a much better time watching a movie starring a handsome count.

My major motion picture, for example, starring me, features a mansion burnt to a crisp, a deadly serpent, an impressive sailor with a manly eye patch, and three sad orphans lucky enough to meet a dashing count. True, this book has all the same details, but there are so many words in it, you’ll be bored to tears.

Take my advice: put this thing down at once and rush to your local cinema to marvel at my ground-breaking performance in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Of course you may have my autograph.

Count Olaf.